


Don't Let Me Go

by raspyrainz



Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: Abuse, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst, Dark, F/F, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, It Gets Kinky Folks, Jemily - Freeform, LGBTQ Themes, Psychological Horror, Self-Hatred, Slow Burn, Smoking
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-15
Updated: 2021-01-25
Packaged: 2021-03-12 19:35:56
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 9,176
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28765692
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/raspyrainz/pseuds/raspyrainz
Summary: Emily and JJ have had a rough past, present -and more than likely- future. They get through it as always because they have each other.
Relationships: Jennifer "JJ" Jareau/Emily Prentiss
Comments: 28
Kudos: 76





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This work is inspired by the song by RAIGN. Definitely give it a listen if you have the time.  
> *TW: I plan on going into some triggering topics down the road, so this is my trigger warning. Read the tags and if any of them are triggering to you, this story may not be for you.  
> *I do not own the characters in this story pls don't sue me

_"Even the Darkest night will end and the sun will rise" - Les Miserables_

_zzzzzz_

The buzzer into Emily's apartment sang lightly as she sighed and ran the towel through her wet raven colored locks. Today was not the day for company. Hell, today wasn't the day to take a shower, but some things just needed to be done.

_zzzzzz_

Completely naked under her towel, Emily pushed away the thought of putting clothes on to see who it was. Whoever dare disturb her during her one day off, was not going to get an open invite up into the depths of her apartment. She looked at the reflection in the mirror, unsure of what to make of herself... _What am I doing?_

_zzzzzz_

She pushed her thoughts aside as she threw the hair towel over the sink and sighed her way over to her door in annoyance. "Who is it" she murmured into the box as she pressed the button. She waited a few seconds, then added "If this is someone fucking with me I'm going to come downstairs and b-"

"Its Jennifer"

Emily stilled. Bitting her lower lip, she fingered the button unsure of what to say. The last case they were on Emily and JJ got into it... _Hard_. The oh-so-beautiful Supervisory Special Agent Jennifer Jareau had, in lesser words, emotionally fucked Emily up on their most recent undercover case. When they were first getting debriefed about the case, Emily immediately knew that the only way to catch the son of a bitch unsub, was going to be sending in a small statured blonde that just so happened to match the victims profile to a T. The undercover sting was simple, but yet Emily would have preferred it had been herself.

JJ had posed as a working girl on the corner of the street where the unsub had been relentlessly picking up girls. The plan, with everyone on the team in unmarked cars (minus the tinker belled beauty back in the office of a thousand keyboards), was to have the unsub pick up JJ and follow them to the motel that she would unquestionably be taken to. Once JJ was in the motel she would give the rest of her team the signal and they would bust in, guns drawn. However, there were things the team had not planned for.

Once receiving the signal, Emily and Hotch were quick to the door locking eyes as they heard Rossi, Reid and Morgan running up behind them. A crashing inside made Emily leave any doubts she may have had before kicking down the door with her piece aimed directly at the perpetrator.

Immediately it was like stepping into an old fashioned horror film. No one on the team anticipated the bodies. Dozens of dead bodies lined the motel room. The smell broke to them before the sight. It was clear the man now holding a knife to JJ's throat had tried to cover the smell with chemicals and flowers, but had only succeeded in making a perfume so potent one could simply bottle the air, labeling it, "The Kiss of Death".

Without a second thought Emily fired a bullet between the man's eyes. Falling to the ground, he was laid to rest with the numerous women who had relived a similar fait.

With Emilys gun still hot and by the blink of an eye, she was at JJ's side. Her arms wrapped around the half naked, shaking woman and she pulled her close. Hours later, after the EMTs had let JJ go and the rest of the team had time to talk to the local police station along with the morgue to help identify the numerous women who lay lifeless in the motel room, the team was getting situated on the plane for the flight home. JJ was making a light hearted conversation with Reid when Emily got out of the bathroom and walked with intent and purpose up to the seated blonde.

"Next time you have a death wish, how about filling the rest of the team in”, there was a pause before she continued making sure that she had JJ’s full attention and frankly, everyone else’s. “I'm not going to be there every time. What if there was traffic? What if there was a problem with our car? You could have died in there and been nothing more than a pretty blonde on the floor with the rest of them." She spit out the words as if she was talking to one of the loose headed rookies they would see in each station across the country. Emily's eyes were dark. There was no sadness, no emotion.

JJ on the other hand was immediately taken aback. Was Emily seriously questioning her ability to do her job? Effectively nonetheless? "Excuse me?" She said getting up, eyes locked with Emily, neither daring to take a breath or admit to whatever it was that the other wanted.

Then, there it was. A flicker in Emily's gaze. It happened so fast JJ was unsure If it was real or not, as when she blinked, it was gone. The flicker was fear. Panic. Dismay. Emily held her glare for a moment longer before she let out a scoff and found a seat on the other side of the plane.

Their interaction hadn't gone unnoticed by the rest of the team. Hotch and Morgan's gaze remained fixed on Emily until she was seated, looking out the window with emotionless eyes. Rossi and Reid both stared at JJ as her cheeks grew hot and her body slacked down back against her seat on the plane.

_What is she so mad about? Everything was done by the books. It was a clean shooting._

JJ risked a glance to Emilys seat, just to see the woman with her knees pulled to her chest, fast asleep. Though her hair was down and hung around her face, JJ could still make out the tears stains coated on Emily's cheek.

Puzzled, JJ's eyebrows crinkled together looking down into lap. _What the fuck just happened?_

That was the last interaction the two had together, until this moment, three days later.

"Are you going to buzz me in it's freezing out here." JJ asked through the speaker snapping Emily back into reality. Pushing the button allowing JJ access to the building, Emily quickly ran into her room, opening her drawer, and sliding on the first pair of underwear she could find. These ones just so happened to have little avocados covering the entire front and back. She chuckled reading the text printed on the front. "You Guac my World".

Her smile quickly faded as she heard a steady knock on the door. Straightening herself and making sure her robe was still covering the full of her body, Emily slowly walked over and pulled the door open.

For a moment, time froze.

The door opened and Emily was left staring at the frail woman before her. The blonde hair fell around her shoulders in clumps. It looks like someone had taken a cooking beater to her ends, as though they were trying to make frosting. The style of clothing only added to the unnerving sight before Emily. An oversized University of Pittsburg sweatshirt that was a little worse for wear, accompanied by black joggers with scattered spots of bleach. No bag. No jacket. Nothing more than a soul trapped in the foreign shell of a humans anatomy.

“Can I come in?” The voice was unrecognizable. With Emily’s mouth slightly agape, she tried to read JJ’s eyes for...something. Anything. She was met with only light blue pools of nothingness. She forced her mouth shut, shifting to allow JJ entrance into her apartment and gestured her in. Emily’s heart was pounding in her ears as she shut the door and turned to face JJ.

After the plane had landed on that god forsaken case, Emily felt raw. Her nails were bitten down further than they’ve been in months, and her head was practically splitting in two with excruciating pain due to her trying to hold back her tears. She didn’t know what happened. As soon as she yelled at JJ she felt better, but it was brief, ghostly almost. She watched as JJ, followed by the rest of the team, departed off the jet. JJ looked over making eye contact with Emily, quickly looking away with a hint of anger.

Emily was hurt and didn’t know why. She was angry at Jennifer for almost dying and she knew that wasn’t fair, but being angry seemed to make her feel a hell of a lot better than being okay with it like everyone else.

As she watched the blonde walk out of her sight she nearly jumped when Hotch had moved in front of her and began speaking quietly, but sternly.

“I don’t know what that was and by the emotions on your face right now I’m guessing you’re not too sure of it yourself. In the years you have been on this team I have never seen you act or speak that way to any of us. You know better than anyone what happened was not on JJ. Everything was done by the books and we had no reason to believe the motel was where the bodies were. JJ knew the risks going in, and agreed to it because she knew how important catching him was.” Aaron looked back making sure they were alone before he continued.

“Emily, if this was anyone else they would be terminated. I can’t have people on this team who doubt the others ability to efficiently do their job. I’m giving you the weekend plus Monday to think things over and decide if this is still the right place for you. What I saw today was not acceptable, and it not be excused again.” With that, he turned his back and headed towards the exit. Emily’s head hung low, tears threatening to fall when she heard him stop walking. The words that he said were barely audible, but she felt them through her blood right to her chest.

“You don’t say that to someone you care about”

With that he was gone and Emily broke letting the tears run their ruins.


	2. Chapter 2

_"Death is not the greatest loss in life. The greatest loss is what dies inside us while we live" - Norman Cousins_

With the memories still fresh in Emily’s head she took in the sights of the woman before her.

“Aren’t you going to ask me why I’m here?” JJ said circling the dull living room and finding a seat on Emily’s dark leather couch. She put her elbows on her knees and put her hands together, not making eye contacts with the woman across the room.

Emily felt a lump in her throat, unsure of what to say. “JJ I’m…” She paused for what felt like an eternity trying to collect her thoughts. All that came out was “JJ I’m so sorry”. She moved reducing the space and sat in at the other end of couch, unsure of how to rebuild the bond that was apparent she had broken.

JJ didn’t say anything, but lifted her head to look at Emily. No emotions flashed across her face.

She looked away and let out a deep breathe as she started to take in her surroundings. There were no pictures hung and there was no television. The dark hardwood floors complimented the dark furniture that was placed around the room. She had never been inside of Emily’s apartment, and she made a mental note of the dreary space she was currently residing in.

“What I said was completely unprofessional and I had no right to suggest you didn’t know how to do your job. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” Emily spoke softly with a pang of hurt behind her voice like she was talking to a bird she accidentally hit with her car.

It had been JJ who originally told Emily how hard it was to work in a government job as a female. She told her that people would doubt her abilities simply because she was a woman. The two would stick up for one another when those situations occurred and always made it a point to show that they deserved to be there just as much as any male counterpart. Then, they would go out drinking letting loose in a fit of giggles and hugs, making sure to let go of their feelings. 

Emily knew she crossed a line, a line that would undoubtedly be nearly impossible to get back over.

JJ still didn’t respond and instead returned her focus to her previous position looking at the floor.

The older woman got up and headed to the kitchen. The pit in her stomach far from being eased. She filled up two gasses of water and walked back placing one in front of JJ on the glass table.

“I’m leaving Will”

The abrupt statement caused Emily to nearly spill her water as she sat back down on her side of the couch. Her eyes widened and looked at JJ dumbfounded. “You’re.. what? Wh-“

“When I got home, I told him about the case. I hadn’t told him that I was going undercover because I didn’t want him to worry. More importantly I didn’t want him worrying Henry.

He completely lost it. He told me that I was selfish for doing something so idiotic that could’ve left Henry without a mother and him without a wife. Then… he gave me an ultimatum. He told me that if I truly loved my family, I would quit my job”.

Emily’s breath hitched in the back of her throat before JJ continued. _Uh oh_

“I told him I couldn’t. I wouldn’t. The BAU is my life and a part of my heart is here. He said that wasn’t good enough. He’s been laying into me about leaving for weeks now and this was the straw that broke the camels back apparently. I grabbed a couple things, hugged Henry and headed for a hotel”.

“Oh my god Jayj I’m so sorry”. Emily tried to move closer to JJ on the couch, but immediately stopped when the other woman looked directly into her eyes flashing an abundance of anger.

“You know I was trying to figure out which part was worse. Was it that my family had completely fallen apart with no one to blame for myself? Or when I steeped into the hotel the flashbacks of that motel room hit me so hard I couldn’t stop shaking long enough for me to fall asleep? Or was it that my best friend doubted me so much that she made sure to make it apparent to everyone on the team that I was inadequate to do my job?” The last question was spit out with the disgust and anger that now matched her face.

Well the lack of emotion seemed to have left the building and Emily was far from grateful for it.

Gathering her thoughts and the mental notes she had taken after replaying the scene on the plane over and over the past couple days, Emily finally said “Jennifer, there’s no way I can possibly justify what I said or how I acted. You didn’t deserve that, you deserved a friend. What I said to you wasn’t because I didn’t think you could do your job. I said it because I was scared. I thought that yelling at you would ground me and shake the feeling that I almost lost... that we almost lost you. It was selfish and narcissistic considering the amount of times I had done the same thing in similar situations” Emily ducked her head resting her temple on two fingers.

The next words that came out of her mouth were a whisper that barely made it to the blonde. “When I looked in that motel room I saw your face in every single one of those women. I still see it in them when I sleep. I’m afraid that I’m going to start to see it any of the victims we come across. And it terrified me that even for a split second, it was a real possibility.

The blonde’s face remained hard, but was now accompanied by puddles of water that threatened to spill over.

Emily took a chance and again went to move closer to the body across from her, but this time was not met with retaliation. She put her hands on top of JJ’s and squeezed, causing JJ to finally let out her tears with silent sobs leading to her body shakinguncontrollably. Emily pulled JJ into a tight embrace letting the woman let her cries out on top of her chest. She rubbed her back and placed her head on JJ’s letting her own tears fall silently into the golden locks below her.

“It’s okay, it’s going to be okay” Her reassuring just led JJ to cry harder.

The two woman sat like this long enough until neither had any tears left in them to spill. 

JJ pulled away first, using the sleeve of her sweatshirt to wipe her eyes and nose. “I’m sorry I came over” she said sniffling awkwardly and positioning herself to get up. “It’s been a long couple of days and I didn’t mean to bother you on your last night off”. Rising from the couch she headed for the door but not before Emily’s hand lightly wrapped around her forearm.

“Woahhh you cannot go back to that hotel alone Jayj. You’re not going to get any sleep and the night terrors are not going to get any better until you talk to someone”. Emily danced around the options in her head, not wanting JJ to feel uncomfortable in case she was still weary about the sincerity of Emily’s apology. She didn’t want JJ mentally and physically exhausted, and there is no way in hell that wouldn’t be the outcome if she returned to that hotel.

“You can stay here in the guest bedroom or my room or even the couch if that’s where you feel more comfortable... Or I can go back with you to the hotel and sleep on the floor”. JJ once again locked her eyes on the floor and stiffened. She didn’t want to be alone, but she also didn’t want to be around anyone while she slept. She had woken herself up the previous night with a string of screams so loud it could have woken the dead.

Noticing JJ’s quick change of demeanor, Emily got up removing her hand from JJ’s arm and placing both of her hands on the blondes’ shoulders. “Jennifer Jareau, I’m not going to leave you. I know you probably don’t want to be around people, hell, most of all probably not me. But I will go to the length of this earth before I leave you to handle this by yourself”. JJ held Emily’s gaze for a moment as she crossed one of her arms and laid a hand on Emily’s.

“I’ll take the couch if that’s okay” Emily let out a breath as she pulled JJ in for a tight hug.

“Let me run upstairs and get some sheets and a change of clothes for you to sleep in” Emily turned on her heels and nearly tripped over the cat who was clearly reading the room on his best time to make an entrance. _Typical._

For the first time that night she turned around and saw a smile on JJ’s face as she bent down and started petting the cat whispering foolishness as Sergio purred in content.

Emily ran upstairs grabbing sheets, blankets and a couple pillows before going into her room and getting out clothing for the woman downstairs.

When she walked back down the stairs and into the living room she was met with the sight of JJ fast asleep with Sergio cuddled right next to her side. The pit in her stomach was placed with relief as she quietly placed a blanket over the two and kissed JJ on the forehead.

_Goodnight my loves_


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is a little short, just wanted to get the basic feel and comfortability level of both the women before I dive into more depths of the story. Enjoy!

_"The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both will be transformed." - Carl Jung_

Emily awoke in the middle of the night to high pitch shrieks

_JJ_

She threw her covers aside and ran down the stairs to where the other woman was sleeping mere hours ago, now thrashing under the blankets trying to kick off an invisible assailant. Sergio was no where in sight. _You little bastard_

Knowing waking someone from such a vivid night terror could cause more harm to the psyche, Emily kneeled down next to JJ and started stroking her hair while talking to her in a soft voice.

“Jennifer it’s not real, can you wake up for me? Shhh shh I’m right here wake up for me love”. It didn’t seem to be calming her down and the next thing she knew JJ’s head snapped, thwacking Emily in the face. JJ’s eyes fluttered open, trying to depict what was real or not.

Emily leaned back and put her hand over her lips only to find them slicked with blood. She looked over at JJ watching the realization hit her face with what had just happened. JJ reached out putting her index finger on Emily’s lip lightly before pulling it back and examining the red liquid like it held the answers to all her questions. “Did I do this?”

Emily clicked her tongue shook her head, still woozy from impact. “Jayj you were having a nightmare and I was trying to wake you, I shouldn’t have gotten so close”. The blonde started to tear up, shaking while she wiped her finger on her sweatshirt.

“I’m sorry Em” she put her face in her palms, shielding Emily from the stream of tears now now falling down her face.

“JJ it’s okay that’s why I wanted someone to be with you. I went through the same thing when I was in Paris after Doyle had stabbed me” she put her hands on JJ’s wrists slowly pulling them down so she could look at the other woman. “The only way I could sleep was finding someone to occupy the empty space in my bed to know that I wasn’t alone and he couldn’t hurt me”

“Did you ever talk about it?” JJ asked still entranced on the lips in front of her that were now starting to swell.

Emily’s eyes glazed over thinking about that night with Doyle. She had talked to some people once she got back to the states- she had to if she ever wanted to function normally again. But she hadn’t told them necessarily the whole truth. Not _everything._ She refocused on the blonde trying to figure out whether or not her confession would be of help tonight, or if the conversation was better to have on a night where in a more stable headspace. _And one that didn’t involve feeling like I just visited a sketchy Hollywood plastic surgeon for botched lip injections._

Moving her hands from JJ’s wrist to grasp her hands, she got up and sat down next to her on the couch. “I’ll make you a deal. If we don’t get called out on a case tomorrow, we can come back here and talk about the nightmares. _Both_ of ours. You’ve only gotten about 3 hours of sleep and all the coffee and sugar rushes you get from those damn Cheetos are not going to help you stay attentive tomorrow” she let out a little chuckle and looked over at the clock in her kitchen that read _1:04_ _AM_ “well today I guess.... deal?”

JJ looked as though she was going to retaliate against the suggestion, but instead felt her body slack giving into her exhaustion.

“Okay”

Emily bit her bottom lip as she debated over what to say next. “As for tonight, you lay back down and try to notch in a few more hours of sleep under your belt. I’ll sleep in the chair in case I hear you start to stir again I can wake you up before it gets too bad”

JJ immediately went to refuse the offer, but was cut off by the older woman.

“I sleep in this chair all the time, most of the time it’s more comfortable than my bed. Plus, I’m a pretty light sleeper. No more nightmares will be getting in that pretty head of yours if I can help it” her cheeks darkened realizing the compliment she just gave her friend. _Really Emily, flirting right now?_

Surprisingly JJ let out a small laugh. “Okay. But only if you promise to try and get some sleep too. I don’t think bags under your eyes would affect that beautiful face too much, but I’d rather not be the reason who caused them”.

Emily stiffened for a second. _Oh?_ Clearly a little bit flustered, she nodded her head. “I promise”.

The brunette got up picking up the pillows she brought down earlier, giving one to JJ and throwing one on the chair for herself. Both the women got situated in their respective sleeping positions, with a comfortable silence falling over the room.

JJ’s breathing turned into a slow, steady pace indicating she was about to fall asleep. Emily let out a sigh. She closed her eyes thankful that JJ would be at some sort of peace at least for tonight.

“Can I ask you something?” Emily nearly jumped at the voice, snapping her eyes open and looking over to the other woman.

JJ still laid on the coach with her eyes shut as she continued not waiting for a response, “all those nights when you were France and we were texting or playing online games... were you sleeping with people? I mean I get it you were lonely and you needed someone, but why didn’t you FaceTime me? Or even just call? You know I would’ve been there for you right?”

Emily was glad the room was dark because the dumbfounded look on her face would have just raised more questions. She unknowingly started chewing on her nails that were already nothing more than little rice grains.

“I- I couldn’t” she put her hands together to stop and try and ground herself. The memories of Paris seemed to have deteriorated over her time back in America. The only thing she was sure of was that she didn’t have sex there, with anyone. “I didn’t call you because I couldn’t hear your voice. It would’ve made the whole thing real. The only way I could keep from going off the deep end was acting like my time there was a pause from life. I didn’t want to be remembered of what I left behind. And Jayj, I never said I slept with those people...Most of them were guys I had met gay bars who just wanted to vent about their boyfriends and have a drink back at my place. There was no sex, just talking” she paused momentarily noticing that if she kept talking JJ would just have more questions.

“What were you doing in gay bars” JJ asked shifting your her elbows to look over at the brunette.

_Fuck._ “Jennifer Jareau goodnight”

Unsatisfied with the answer, JJ took a last glance over to Emily and sighed as she dropped the subject and responded with a good night.

Both the woman’s thoughts running wild, sleep eventually overtook the two, with not a stir in the night until it was time to go to work.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> again, heed the tags before reading. if any are triggering to you, this may not be the best story for you. other than that enjoy:)

_"You may forget with who you laughed, but you will never forget with whom you wept" - Arabic Proverb_

The stormy and cold morning woke the blonde up as a stream of rolling thunders shook the whole apartment. She sat up dazed and confused as to where she was. She looked around remembering the events of the previous night. Careful not to wake the brunette who was only sleeping mere inches away, she got up looking around for her phone to check the time.

_5:36 AM._

Daylight was beginning to creep into the stormy clouds giving the sky an ominous aesthetic. JJ looked back at the older woman who was sleeping peacefully with a blanket draped over her lower body and light snores coming from between the now two swollen lips she accumulated. JJ felt horrible about the condition of the other woman’s face, but knew Emily would insinuate that it was nothing. She smiled to herself. _How can someone be so perfect even when they’re sleeping?_

She returned her attention to her phone when she felt a slight vibrate and looked down to read the message that flashed across the screen.

_“We need to talk”_

Her emotion didn’t falter as she slid the phone back in her pocket, deciding that talking with Will wasn’t at the forefront of her To Do list. That message was one of many that would go ignored and out of mind, as the rest had in the past few days.

Folding the blankets Emily had seemingly placed over her at some point during the night, JJ tried to ignore the fear the crept into her mind about returning to the hotel to get ready for work. She grabbed both the water glasses, bringing them to the kitchen and dumping out the remains. As she searched her pockets making sure the car keys were still in there, she looked around for a piece of paper and pen. She opened the drawers, still careful not to be too loud, until she found the contents she was looking for.

Proud of her discovery, she picked up the pad of paper and was confused when an envelope slipped out of the middle and fell to the ground. Picking it up, she intended on putting it back in the drawer not wanting to invade the other woman’s private life until she saw the name it was addressed to, scribed in black cursive lettering.

_Jennifer_

Because there was no stamp or even address on the envelope, it looked like Emily had wanted to hand deliver it, but just never got around to it. Inside felt like no more than a piece of paper, and the envelope was never sealed. Curiosity getting the better of her, she slipped out the paper from its inclosure.

It wrote:

_My dearest, Jennifer, I cannot thank you enough for the knowledge and wisdom you have bestowed upon me within the past years. The day I met you, it was as though time stood still. From then on you have overwhelmed my heart and soul with your affection, elegance and passionate fire._

JJ felt a light blush rise on her cheeks because of the compliments and continued reading,

_Our job is to catch the monsters, the villains... the demons. I have come to realize that these are not inherently characteristics of just the”bad guys”. The hatred and fear that bottled up inside me after each case completely ceased after Doyle. It felt as though I was just going through the motions. The team... our team needed someone they could rely on, someone who could differentiate the feeling of loss and life. You probably won’t ever understand why I did this, but I want you to know it was never your fault and there was nothing in the world you could possibly do. Everyday felt like I was drowning, with no breath of fresh air in sight until finally, I was just sinking. I tried everything and I didn’t want the demons to win, but I’m just so tired. The erosion of everything I ever was, has dwindled into nothingness. I’m so sorry Jennifer. I loved you so much more than you will ever understand.Goodbye my love._

JJ stared blurry eyes at the paper until the drips of water splashed across the lettering. _This isn’t real. This can’t be real. Is this some sort of sick joke because of my sister? It can’t be, Emily would never do that, but she wouldn’t do...this... either._

JJ turned when she heard a noise behind her only to find Sergio had jumped onto the island in the kitchen. Putting her hand to her chest she looked over at Emily who was still fast asleep.

JJ had no idea what to do for the woman.

What to even _say._

Shoving the note in her pocket, she pushed the empty envelope back into the middle of the notepad and scribbled a few lines on the paper before silently tearing it off and placing it back over on the couch with the folded blankets.

She starred at the older woman with tears still in her eyes before turning around and departing from the apartment.

**********

When Emily finally woke up at her 6:30 alarm, she immediately noticed the room felt empty. Pushing herself out of the chair and over to the space the blonde had been occupying for the night, she picked up the paper that had been set on top of the blankets.

“Ran back to the hotel to change and shower before work. I’m really looking forward to our talk tonight. Text me when you wake up so I know you had an alarm set, if you don’t text me I’ll call you at 7 until you wake up. Thanks for last night Em you don’t know how much it meant to me.”

Confused at the brevity and all over emotion of the note, Emily set the paper down and went to look for her phone in the cushion of the chair she had slept in.Finally finding it, she sent JJ a text.

“I’m up don’t have to worry about calling me. U ok? For future reference you could have showered here and I have plenty of clothes you are more than welcome to wear”

Within seconds a reply came back from the other woman.

“Yeah I’m okay. I’ll see you at the office?”

Now, Emily had changed from confused to worried. Why did she ask that as a question? JJ knew she was returning to work today, they even talked about it last night. The blonde was short and completely ignored Emily’s proposition. Did she do something to upset her?

“Yup I’ll b in at 8”

A response didn’t come right away, and when it did it was just in the form of JJ hearting Emily’s message.

Emily sighed throwing her phone on the couch next to the blankets before walking upstairs to get ready for the day.

**********

“Woah woah woah ma’am you get into a bar fight on your weekend off? I’d hate to see the other guy” Morgan laughed as Emily walked into the bullpen, lips still swollen from the head-to-face action she received the night before. “No seriously Em, you good? What the hell happened?”

Emily looked around noticing that it was just Derek in the bullpen. Where was everybody else? She put her things down at her desk thinking of an answer that would be believable, but without spilling JJ’s personal life. “Ha ha yeah I’m fine I swear, I just slammed on my breaks with a metal foot yesterday and my lips decided they wanted to taste the sweet leather of my steering wheel. It’s nothing really”

Dereks face changed from jokingly to serious. “Did you get whiplash? If you have any headaches you should probably go to the hospital you might have a concussion”.

“Derek jeez I’m fine seriously. If anything my pride is a little hurt and I was expecting to you to have some joke about how I looked like an off brand Kardashian and then Reid- wherever the hell he is- to pipe in about the exact percentages of silicone that entire family possesses”. Derek changed back to his earlier demeanor and let out a chuckle. “We don’t have a case today?”

“No, not of now that is. Hotch has been in his office since god knows when, Reid went to help Penelope with god knows what, and JJ is god knows where. Rossi is over at a convention with g-”

“Yeah god knows who. I got it, I got it. Wow you’re so observant, you should be a detective!” Emily joked as she turned and left Derek shaking his head laughing to go get herself some coffee. Just as she was about to reach the coffee pot, a hand clasped around her wrist so tight she thought the nails might have broken her skin. She turned quickly about to yank her hand free before realizing it was the woman who was just with her mere hours ago.

JJ spoke quietly, but demandingly. “Come with me”. Pulling the brunettes arm almost out of its socket, she led Emily to the bathrooms locking the door behind them. She moved past Emily not making eye contact as she kicked all four of the stall doors making sure they were alone. She stopped at the other end creating a long space between the two before speaking. “You need to be honest with me Emily. Don’t give me any of your deflecting bullshit or leave before answering me”.

Emily stood deadly still. She’s never seen JJ this mad. Mad _at her_ nonetheless. She opened her mouth to speak, but JJ cut her off before she could.

“Do you want to die?”

“Ja- what- what the hell are you talking abo-“

JJ took a step forward face twisting with anger and fear. “Do. You. Want to die”

Emily’s emotions were swarming inside her, her heartbeat racing like a wild animal knowing its about to be attacked as prey. “I... no. Why are you asking me this?”

Taking a piece of paper out of her back pocket, JJ slammed it on the sink counter. Her body was shaking so badly and the look on her face mirrored that of someone who had been throwing up.

Emily looked at the note momentarily before her lips pressed together tightly and she hitched her breath, realizing what it was. The paper was eggshell and dusted with a light brown color, the kind of paper she had stacks of in her apartment. She starred at the note from a distant letting her mind go completely still. “JJ you were never supposed to read that”.

JJ, now yelling, responded “Really!? Because it was addresses to ME. Emily you spoke in past tense in this, you wanted me to read it after you were already gone!” She took another step closer. Emily still had her eyes locked with the counter top where the note had sat.“You told me that you killed yourself and then you told me you loved me. What the hell was I supposed to do if you had done it? Just live with myself? Knowing someone I care about, someone I love, didn’t think to come talk to me about-” she waived her hands above her head “-any of this”.

Emily felt the tears filling in her eyes threatening to fall over, and was shocked to feel JJ at some point inevitably moved only inches from her. JJ’s hands came up to Emily’s chest and shoved her back a few steps. Emily now was looking at JJ panic running through her veins.

“Fuck you” JJ shoved her again, this time Emily staggered as the force behind the push became a little stronger. “Fuck you Em” she said before shoving Emily the last time so her back was now pressed against the bathroom door. Both women now had tears freely falling down their faces. Emily’s cry’s were silent with her eyes closed, letting herself feel all the emotion that JJ was portraying. “Fuck you”

JJ pushed her face forward making contact with Emily’s lip harshly in a deep kiss that seemed to last for years. Emily was taken aback as she snapped her eyes opened before returning the kiss. The two stood there with their lips locked long enough to have JJ breaking away gasping for air in short ragged breaths.

They both just looked at each other, neither daring to speak. Emily was not even sure she could form a coherent sentence right now.

“You said you loved me. If you had gone through with it, you would have never gotten the chance to hear me say it back to you” JJ said wiping the tears and taste of Emily of her lips and face. “Because I do love you”.

JJ walked past Emily unlocking the door, and pulling it open causing the brunette to shift and stumble over her feet. The blonde walked away back to the rest of the world, leaving Emily in a spaced out state, left to think about what the fuck just happened.


	5. Chapter 5

_“If I got rid of my demons, I’d lose my angels”_ \- Tennessee Williams

The team never got called out on a case, forcing Emily to be left alone to her own thoughts. She was meant to spend the majority of her day going over case files and filling out field reports, but her mind couldn’t stop racing long enough for her to focus on anything. Thoughts of her previous conversation with JJ kept flooding her mind, along with the kiss. _My god her lips._ Every time she would think about the younger woman’s lips pressed tightly against her own, her cheeks would tint with the same rosy color they had when the action occurred.

In her peripheral, she saw a perfectly manicured hand press down on her desk. Her eyes shot up, meeting the intense gaze before her of the woman who now seemed to be consuming her every thought.

“Did you want to meet at your place or drive together?” The blonde asked with a hard face still not breaking eye contact. Shocked and confused, Emily just stared at her with her mouth agape looking for something to say. _Oh my god she still wants to come over tonight._

“I- I don’t care whichever you’re more comfortable with” Emily finally let out. Her gaze broke, and she turned back to staring at the mountains of paperwork before her.

“Listen Emily”, JJ started before lowering her voice and moving closer so that pondering ears could not infiltrate the conversation, “what happens tonight is completely up to you. We can talk about me, we can talk about you, or we can not talk at all. If you do decide you trust me enough to let me in, I will listen to everything you need to say, completely and utterly without judgment, just as you would do for me. I want to talk to you. I want to be there for you.” JJ reached over lifting Emily’s chin so that she would look at her, but was met with resilience.

Sighing, JJ got up to head out, not wanting to pressure the other woman into something that seemed obvious she didn’t want to talk about. As she departed she felt a fingers tighten around her wrist. She turned looking back at the woman who was still not looking at her, surprised to hear “Do you want to drive, or do you want me to?”

JJ smiled.

“I’ll drive. Meet you at my car in 15?” Emily just nodded before pulling her hand away and writing her last notes on the paper in front of her.

**********

The drive back to Emily’s apartment was nothing less than awkward. Emily was clearly not in the talking mood and any attempts JJ made at conversation were returned with short one word answers or just a hum of acknowledgment that she was actually speaking.

As JJ parked and the women started heading up to the apartment, she noticed how standoffish Emily was being. It was understandable considering how intense their conversation had gotten at the beginning of the day, but she honestly didn’t know how else to handle it. And regarding the kiss... she thought Emily would have tried pulling away or rejected her advancement, but she didn’t.

That left JJ with two choices. She could go into this apartment with a physical approach or emotional approach. Knowing the trauma, at least partially, the other woman was facing psychologically right now, trying to peel back the onion layers of her emotion might not go over so well. That left JJ with really only _one_ option.

Arriving at the door, Emily pulled out the keys to her apartment and pushed it open. She gestured her arm forward letting JJ in first, before she stepped inside and went to lock the door. When she turned back on her heels she was startled to feel JJ push her back against the door and lock lips with her. Even though she was surprised, it didn’t stop her from returning the kiss. It was sloppy and heated and filled with desire. _Hunger._

JJ’s tongue swiped lightly against Emily’s lips searching for passage. The brunette let her lips part slightly, allowing JJ to take dominance over the kiss. She let out a soft moan as the woman pushed her harder against the door. JJ pulled at her bottom lip, feasting as though she hadn’t ate in months. She reached her hands up into the raven hair and tugged slightly, angling Emily’s face up to the heavens. She trailed up and down her neck with light, wet kisses.

“Stop” Emily moaned half-heartedly as JJ got lower and lower to her chest unbuttoning the top button of her shirt.

Emily’s eyes slammed open, “JJ stop!”. She shoved the blonde by her shoulders.

The other woman pulled back immediately, taking a few steps widening her eyes in fear that she just made things a whole hell of a lot worse.

“Did I- oh my god Emily I’m so sorry I thou-“ She was stopped as Emily, still panting, raised her hand to silence her. JJ’s eyes were starting to fill with tears. She had no idea how to handle this. She had completely misread all the signals and she was about to lose her best friend. She was panicking, but didn’t know what words to say to apologize or comfort the other woman.

“JJ I can’t do this”. Emily said gathering her breath.

The younger woman shook her head frantically gathering the bag and coat she just threw on the floor when she walked in, getting ready to leave. “I’m sorry Em I should go I’m sorry oh my god I’m sorry that was so inappropr-“

“Jennifer stop. Please. You did nothing wrong” Emily moved toward JJ still leaving a bit of space before looking at her with nervous eyes. “I can’t... I just can’t. I want to, I mean if you... want to...” she paused noticing the look of hurt and confusion on JJ’s face. Letting out a sigh she walked over and sat down on the couch that had been JJ’s bed the previous night.

Unsure of what was happening, JJ cautiously followed before sitting down beside her.

“There are a lot of things that happened over the past year. Some of them... well as you read in the letter, some of them broke me. I didn’t want you to read it because after I wrote it, I had no intention on following through. If I’m being honest, the thought of you having to read it and go through the same things you had to go through with your sister after her suicide, is what made me regret it” Emily paused looking up at the blonde who had involuntary tears running down her face silently. She grabbed both her hands and let them rest on their knees.

Not knowing how to breach the subject or where to even begin Emily asked, “do you remember when you asked me why I was at gay bars in Paris” JJ nodded her head recalling the conversation from the previous night. “Despite what you may of thought, I really was only going there looking for gay guys who just wanted a different place to sleep those nights”

JJ’s cheeked flashed with red. _Oh fuck, I really did misread all the signals._

Emily continued, “I haven’t been able sleep with anyone... romantically... since before Doyle. After he branded me,” she reached down pulling her blouse showing the clover that she had yet to get covered, “he left me in the room tied to the chair. Minutes later, 4 other men came into the room with semiautomatics. They undid me from the chair pinning me down so they could redo my restraints without my clothes and with me laying on the floor. They took turns raping me”

JJ’s mouth fell open, making an inaudible noise.

“It couldn’t have gone on for long, but it felt like it lasted a lifetime. I couldn’t move, breathe or even think. Everything went numb and just.... dark. Doyle came back into the room and saw my clothes scattered around the room, called me whore, and made another man come in to get me cleaned up... there was so much blood. He put me back in the chair and told me that he was surprised the men could even get it up because of how unattractive and pathetic I looked.” Emily let out a dry laugh. “I mean I know I looked bad, but he couldn’t even look at me without licking his lips, one would think he’d be a better liar.”

JJ shook her head, furrowing her brows and bitting her bottom lip. “Emily it had nothing to do with how you looked. Those men were sick. There is not a word comprehensible enough to emphasize how sick they are. I’m so sorry that happened. I’m so sorry we weren’t there. And I’m so sorry you thought you couldn’t tell me.”

Emily pulled her hands away so she could rest her forehead in her palms. “I didn’t know how. I felt dirty...used. Battered and broken. You would have been there, I know that, but I couldn’t risk you looking at me the same way we all look at victims in similar situations.”

“Em this doesn’t change the way I fee- I look at you. What you did, you did to survive. What happened was not your fault and it never will be. You were assaulted and me coming on to you the way I did was extremely unprofessional. I made up non-existent signals in my head and pushed myself onto you”

Immediately pulling her head away from her hands, Emily looked at JJ. “Jayj I never said no and when I did you stopped. I’ve never been good at showing my feelings towards someone I was attracted to, but hell did I try my hardest with you.

These words left JJ’s head in even more of a swirl “But you said the gay bars-“

“I couldn’t go to regular bars because I did not want to deal with the overly testosteroned straight male coming up to me and thinking he was going to get lucky for the night. The first week I was in Paris I went to a small hole in the wall club and ended up picking up a guy for the night. When we got back to the room I guess I freaked him out with some of the things I wanted to do and then it freaked me out that he was freaked out. The guys I met at the gay bar listened to me. I told some of them what happened, not it detail, but enough so that I could even just breathe some nights.” Noticing she wasn’t explaining herself enough and the blonde still looked as though she was trying to read a full report done in hieroglyphics, Emily paused. She was embarrassed to be telling the blonde these things, but knew JJ deserved to know if she decided she wanted to stay.

“After the assault my sex drive kind of changed. I wanted the sex to be rough... like really rough. I thought I was crazy for it especially after how the guy from the club made me feel, but the guys I talked to at the gay bar told me it was actually really normal. After sexual assaults, the victims- well survivors I guess, like to be completely in charge, whether it be through a safe word, doming the other person, or even talking through each individual act and position. For me, itwas what I guess you could call a ‘kink’. CNC... or consensual non consent, was what they told me mine was. It was my way of making sure the trauma of the actual assault would be in my full control, because I had the power to stop it any time I wanted to.” Emily blurted the last part out and quickly looked back down to her hands. _Good god she’s going to think I’m crazy_

JJ thought over what Emily had just told her. She’d never heard the term before, but as long as Emily felt the most safe that way, it didn’t bother her in the slightest. Grabbing Emily’s hands with one, and pushing a lock of hair out of her face with the other, JJ responded with a simple “okay” she let out a half smile. “People deal with assaults in different ways. You’re not weird for this or even unusual. I do have a question though.”

Emily felt her cheeks flash a crimson shade as she worried JJ was going to ask her if she wanted to be raped or if she enjoyed it, the same questions that were flying through her head day in and day out.

“You wanted to sleep with that guy... and I know you’ve slept with other guys in the past. But the way you feel about me is more than platonic right? I’ve come onto you both times and I know you said you didn’t say no, but if you’re not gay or bisexual or whatever I just want to make sure you’re not just doing this because you think it’s what I want”

Emily looked at the blonde before her and internally laughed. Thinking to herself, she wondered if JJ actually knew how perfect she is inside and out. How she is a strong independent woman who takes no shit from even the highest up. How she is more nurturing than a mother bird with her eggs in the nest. “I met this woman in Australia about 10 years ago who I still talk to till this day.

I’ve been questioning my sexuality ever since I could remember and she was someone I could talk to because she was openly gay and working at a women’s prison. She said to me, ‘forget the terminology. Just be in the moment and see how you feel. Because if you’ve fallen for someone then... fuck the labels’”

Emily put her hands on JJ’s face, “and miss Jennifer Jareau, I have fallen for you hard” she said pulling JJ into a kiss that would diminish any doubts that the blonde had.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wentworth fans... I had to :,)


End file.
